It took me 50 years of hard living to figure out what you figured out after 3 months in florence
… I love you completely lindsey
am home now, sitting on my bed in my room, and everything is christmas-y here in maryland. i ate mashed potatoes and carrots with ranch dip for dinner tonight, still washed my silverware by hand- can’t believe i have a microwave and a dishwasher now! i don’t think reality has set in, or that it will for a long time.
i just wanted to thank you all for reading and following my blog. i really changed and grew up so much in the past four months, and i am glad that people enjoyed reading my ramblings.
keep in touch please and hopefully i’ll be traveling and blogging more in the future!
A CASA MIA
in the airport in paris- using my 15 minutes of free wireless internet to check facebook and post to tumblr like a loser. flight to america leaves in approx 2 hours… i can’t believe it.see you tonight, maryland!
[last day in florence]
it was perfect.
i left the apartment and walked towards the ponte vecchio. it began to rain. it began to rain harder. i bought a 3 euro umbrella from a street vendor because it matched my purse and because why not. dear mom, ali wasn’t lying when he said my leather jacket was waterproof by the way. sometimes it’s worth it to pay for 10 days work of hand-painted leather, just saying.
walked along the arno, battled my umbrella, fought the wind. within five minutes it was already turned inside out. i saw a boy battling with his umbrella as well, we smiled. stopping at ponte alla grazie, i realized something. i couldn’t say a proper goodbye to the arno because i am meant not too. i am meant to come back. it doesn’t want me to say ciao yet.
with that realization smiling inside of me i decided to go to santa maria novella. the one church left on my list. i went inside and saw the brunelleschi sculptures and the lippi paintings. sat down in the pews for a while. i listened to my body, it was crying for a break, for a rest from the partying, the walking, the drinking, the abuse. i realized it might be time to leave. then i prayed. i prayed to st. anthony to give me guidance in the future, to help me find what i want. i prayed to st. christopher, thanking him for watching over me and keeping me safe on trains, and asked him to make my flight tomorrow smooth and safe. then i prayed to my grandparents, thanking them for their blessings and for giving me luck and always being there for me. i left feeling full, a little confused, and happy. passed by the train station, was glad that i never had to return there.
i went to lunch at mercato centrale with nathan and becca. i got risotto con zucchini at nerbone and a final glass of white wine. one last cappucino at news cafe, they stirred the foam and cocoa powder into a heart. i will miss that. i couldn’t go with nathan and becca to lion’s den to hang the st. mary’s shirt on the ceiling because i said goodbye to that place last night, and you can’t do goodbyes twice.
i then spent an hour and a half doing the dishes. i broke down and cried, alone in the apartment. i sobbed so hard, and then stopped, and cleaned the stove.
i went to the christmas markets and bought a present for melanie. i said goodbye to santa croce in my head. i had a date with my camera. i took photos of everything that means something to me. i walked along the arno. there was no sunset, but people were hitting golf balls off the ponte vecchio, it was so beautiful. the clouds were perfect and the sky was blue and the lamps were so amazing and i couldn’t believe it. i said goodbye somehow. i’m not sure how.
i then went to meet derek at blob. we went and got another cappucino. then to the christmas markets, because somehow he’s never been. he bought fingerless gloves and a hacky sack and i almost bought all of the pretzels and all of the hats. it began to rain steadily. my second time caught in the rain without an umbrella. then we went and got a glass of wine with dom, derek’s amazingly sexy british friend. seriously, he looks and sounds just like dominic cooper. then derek and i danced in an empty blob and said goodbye.
sometimes you meet people and think, somewhere in another life, we are together and happy. derek is one of those people. i wish i had met him earlier, wish i never had to leave. drinking wine with him and dom, i had a moment where i imagined the beautiful, romantic potential that my life could hold. it was almost too much to stand.
i cried on the walk home.
then i went to meet kayla and her roommates for dinner at il cinghiale bianco, her favorite place across the river. i ate my weight in italian food. cheese plate, pesto pasta, tiramisu, glasses of red wine, free limoncello shots at the end. we all went around the table and said how we had changed. kayla and i both realized that we learned how to cook and love tomatoes now. everyone said they learned how to meet people, how to be independent. that they love travel. we all agreed that maybe we are all a little more grown up now. nicolette and i had a serious heart-to-heart where we talked about the nature of relationships, and how everything is complicated and what we want out of life and what love means to us. it was beautiful.
said goodbye to kayla at piazza reppublica. she said come to new york, i said i love you and will miss you so much. i will miss her so fucking much. we are both fast talkers, fast movers, and we are so similar. she said to meet her at lions, but i knew that i wouldn’t be there tonight. like i said, you can’t do it twice.
cried on the walk to finnegans. passed the duomo for the last time, if that sentence is even plausible.
i know that i will be back here, i know that i have so much potential left in my life. like simon said tonight, “lindsey, you are only a pup.” i know what is important to me now, what i cherish, what i want out of my relationships, what i want from myself. it sounds cliche that i had to move thousands of miles from my home to find myself, but i did it.
now, onto home and a new adventure.
[last drink at finnegans]
was a bolmers with ice, naturally. i stayed after all of my friends left. i talked to simon and steve about traveling and jobs and money and so many fucking things. steve told me the secret is to buy a one way ticket and never stop moving. simon told me he’d give me a job and that he’d still be here in a year and a half. steve hugged me for so long, he has to know that i am completely in love with him. simon has the bluest eyes. i will always love them, never forget them. the second i walked out the doors i started bawling. ran to my apartment in the rain. thought about running back in, but i’ve got to rip off the band-aid sometime.
i am learning that family means so much more than i ever could have imagined, and when i say that simon and steve are my family and finnegans is my living room, i mean it.
bout to go to last dinner with kayla- post about today to come tonight! plane leaves tomorrow 10am, last pint at finnegans tonight… EEK